Mommy Queerest

This is the speech I will be giving at Rutgers University tonight

2010-10-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

I spent 4 years here at Rutgers. I came from a suburban New Jersey high school where I was the victim of persistent bullying. I was different. I was was 6 feet tall at the age of 13, and to make matters worse, I joined the marching band – but that’s another story. I was so nervous to go away to college. The night before I was to leave, I told my parents I was too scared to go. I thought the taunting would be non-stop because I was living in a dorm and that I would get no respit. My parents called my guidance counselor and asked him to come to our home and speak with me. And you know you’re screwed up when your H.S. guidance counselor is making house-calls and you’re not even in HS anymore. He assured me everything was going to be okay and the following day I moved into Campbell Hall.

I was lucky because my fears turned out to be just that – fears. Rutgers gave me confidence, a future, lifelong friends and the strength to come out of the closet. All the things that that Tyler Clementi would have had, had he not been humiliated by 2 well-educated, well-to-do homophobes.

I feel like I have so much in common with Tyler Clementi. He loved music. He was in the Rutgers orchestra, and he was gay. His precious life was cut short because of ignorance and humiliation. How must Tyler have felt being spied on simply because he was with someone of the same sex? Would this have happened if he was in his room with a woman? Why would 2 college students who are both minorities in their own right, think it’s fine to shame another person simply for being gay?

In the past few weeks 5 children who were all subjected to anti-gay harassment in school have committed suicide by hanging, handgun or jumping off a bridge.

13-year old Asher Brown from Texas

13-year-old Seth Walsh from California

15-year-old Billy Lucas from Indiana

15-year old Justin Aaberg from Minnesota

and

18-year-old Tyler Clementi from New Jersey

And these are only the ones that were reported. How many more were there? How many more will there be? Why in this day and age did Tyler think there was no other course of action?

I’ll tell you why. Because being bullied because you are gay is the last acceptable form of bullying. Because bullies see gay people being thrown out of the military. They see gay people fighting tooth and nail for basic civil, human rights only to have them denied or taken away. Because in our country there are laws that prevent us from getting married, adopting children, getting health benefits, visiting our partners in the ICU, being protected at work, and in some places in even securing a place to live. Because kids turn on the TV or radio or go to church and hear religious leaders who preach hatred and call us sinners and abominations to G-d. Because they hear politicians use anti-gay rhetoric to get votes. Because teachers and parents turn a blind eye to slurs like faggot and dyke. This is what killed Tyler Clementi.

Shame on you, Bishop Eddie Long

Shame on you, Rush Limbaugh

Shame on you, Sarah Palin

Shame on you, Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Shame on you Antonin Scalia

Shame on you Fred Phelps

Shame on you Jim Demint

Shame on you Ann Coulter

Shame on you Senators Joseph Cardinale, Sean Kean, Shirley Turner and John Girgenti

You give a clear message that we are less than. That we are not worthy of the same rights as you. – YOU are the ones who are killing these children.

And the gay community is not without blame. For all those adults who don’t have the courage to come out of the closet, you are doing a huge disservice to our gay youth. It is our responsibility to be out and proud. It is our responsibility to let people know that yes, your neighbor is gay, your uncle is gay, your teacher is gay, your bus driver is gay. Everyone needs to know that they know and love a gay person, and when that time comes, perhaps this world will change.

Being a homosexual is about who you love. It should not be a death sentence. Tell your child it is okay to be gay. Don’t let Tyler Clementi die in vain.

Brand Shmand

2010-10-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've officially had it. So, I've been pitching a reality show with 2 amazing producers. The premise is this divorced lesbian mom of 2 who lives in a 950 square foot apartment in NYC with her 2 kids. They have1 bathroom. She is a comedian, but her kids want her to have a "normal" job like the other kids' parents. Her mother is in a nursing home, her girlfriend is a therapist, and her ex lives several blocks away with her girlfriend in a palatial apartment with a fireplace. (She's not bitter at all.) She is struggling to make a living without going on the road and being away from her kids. Each week she tries out a new career so she doesn't have to go on the road anymore. She'll try anything - Bus driver, toll collector, carpet cleaner, Mr. Softee, tour guide, security guard, dog walker, etc. The great thing about the show is that it deals with so many issues that the majority of the population is dealing with - divorce, parenting, step-parenting, aging parent, (parent, parent parent), career crisis, mid-life crisis, money crisis (crisis, crisis, crisis). We would end each episode with Shabbat dinner - something we do every friday night.

Now, one of the pivotal themes to the show is that we're gay, yet all of the issues we deal with are the same as straight families. It would show the world that our families are just like every other family, and perhaps people would watch and forget that we are a gay. Maybe a gay teen would watch, and learn that he/she has the world at his fingertips - that there is nothing he can't accomplish - that he can have a family - especially in the wake of several tragedies in the past few weeks. Doesn't that sound amazing?

Well we have been rejected at 4 networks thus far. Yesterday I found out that TLC passed. "They really like you, and they really like the show, but it doesn't fit with their brand." Their brand? What is their brand? A guy with 4 fucking wives and 16 kids trying to show that his family is just like mine? Someone who took fertility drugs, had 8 kids, went through a bitter public divorce and then got a ton of plastic surgery? That's a fantastic brand. I don't think polygamy is normal. Sorry. I don't think polygamy is an "alternative lifestyle." I think it's barbaric. I don't even like to share my food, and these people are sharing a husband. Oh, those kids are going to be so well adjusted, and I'm sure the girls will have great self-esteem. But I guess it's a brand - like Sara Lee. I wonder what she would do if her husband was screwing 3 other women in her home. I mean, come on, nobody doesn't like Sara Lee.

Tragedy times 3

2010-09-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

My friend Greg Giraldo died yesterday. He was an exceptional talent, a hell of a guy, a dad, a genius, and a tortured soul. He was an amazing stand-up, and anytime I asked him to do a benefit for one of my kid's schools, he always said yes. He was so nice to the female comics - he was nice to everyone. Our kids go to the same school, and I keep thinking I'll see him dropping off or picking up his kids at the playground. Addiction is such an awful disease, and I wonder how someone with such a promising future could just end it all - just for that high. He didn't mean to do it, and yet so many lives are changed forever. Whomever gave him those drugs should be thrown in jail. The saddest part is how he brought laughter and joy to so many, and yet he couldn't find a way to find that within himself.

Then there is Tyler Clementi, a Rutgers student who jumped off the George Washington Bridge after his roommate secretly videotaped him with another man and posted it on the internet. He was an accomplished musician, and apparently a very nice person. But he was so humiliated by 2 ignorant, homophobic people, that he thought the only solution was to end his life. I so wish I could have spoken to him. I too was a music student at Rutgers. I know how difficult it is to be living in a dorm surrounded by straight people who don't know that you're gay. I was there in the 80's when people stayed in the closet. It's 2010 and this auspicious young man felt he had no other choice then to end his life? Why is that even an option?

Finally, there is Asher Brown - gay 13 year old boy in Houston, Texas who shot himself in the head after being constantly bullied at school. Why is this kind of bullying overlooked? Why did he think the only solution was to end his life? Wasn't there someone he could talk to? He's 13 years old - which is hard enough - but a gay 13 is even harder. And the kids that bullied him, how are they going to feel when they grow up and realize what they did? What do their parents think? My kids would never bully another child because they are accepting of other people - especially since their family is treated as second class by so many in this country. It's time this country gets with the program. We owe it to our gay teens to let them know they can have it all. That there is nothing wrong with them, and that there are places for them to go, and people for them to talk to. Shame on those bullies and those teachers who knew this was going on and turned a blind eye. Shame on those parents who teach their children that homosexuality is bad or sick. This has got to end already.

These are all major tragedies. Greg, Tyler and Asher all had so much to look forward to, so much to live for, and now so many lives are changed forever.

Four Moms

2010-09-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching the Today Show last week, as I do every morning, and lo and behold was a man with his 4 wives. He was sitting there like a pompous ass surrounded by his 4 wives, talking about his 16 kids and how life is hunky dory. The women acknowledged that there is some jealously among the wives, but how overall, life is wonderful, and their living arrangement is ideal. They want people to learn more about how they live and how "normal" they are, so guess what? They have a reality show on TLC.

Now, I have been pitching a reality show for a while. Stop judging. I don't think it's ideal to have my children on television, but I do think it's important to put a real family with gay parents on TV. I have always wanted to do a show about my family where people watch it and forget that we're gay because we just as boring as everyone else, and deal with the same everyday issues. I am a stand-up comic, I have 2 sons, one adopted, one bio, an elderly mother in a nursing home, a partner, an ex-partner who has a partner, lots of supportive friends and one bathroom. So essentially, my kids have 4 moms too, but we're not all sleeping with the same guy - actually we're not sleeping with any guys. My kids are pretty normal - I mean as normal as you're going to get with a mother who is a comedian. Now wouldn't you watch that show?

I'm getting really sick of how anything heterosexual gets a pass in this country. Don't Ask Don't Tell is an abomination. 14,000 troops have been thrown out of the armed forces and in many cases convicted felons are taking their places. Criminals can serve openly in the military and gay people can't. Criminals can get legally married and gay people can't. Why aren't people more pissed off? As I pay my taxes on October 15, I pay knowing that I am not treated equally in this country because I am a homosexual - that my partner and I are not entitled to the same rights at MaryKay LeTourneau and her husband. That should I G-d forbid collapse at a theme park in Florida and be rushed to the hospital, my partner wouldn't be allowed to stay by my bedside. Look, I know the economy sucks. I know there is a war. I know Christine O'Donnell has never had an orgasm. I know all that. But come on already. Let's stop waiting for everyone else to do something about this. It is so incredibly unfair. You should be more pissed off that 10% of the population is treated like second class citizens than the fact that your portfolio is down. At least you know you'll get social security and pension benefits from your husband or wife, while I'm doing stand-up at The Chuckle Hut from my wheelchair.

He Says/Inez

2010-09-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

I have mixed feelings about the Inez Sainz situation. Part of me thinks that she should be able to do her job and not have to be subjected to the immature cat calls of supposedly grown men, but the other part of me thinks she should dress like a journalist. I know from doing stand-up that nobody would laugh at a hot looking chick wearing a sexy, provocative outfit. First of all, the guys wouldn't be listening to her jokes and the women would be jealous and watching their boyfriends. But that doesn't matter because honestly, how many hot, sexy female comics are there? We're funny for a reason - and it's not because we were homecoming queens.

Here's what really pisses me off. Nobody is giving the players any responsibility. Why the hell can't she interview these athletes without them acting like total adolescent idiots? "Oh, they're just acting like men." Well, she's just acting like a woman. Why can't these guys control themselves, and why is it okay that they don't? Why can't a football player give an interview to an attractive, hot woman who loves sports? I mean, isn't that your ideal woman?

I always think of their mothers. What would their mothers say? How would they feel if their mothers were being harassed by a bunch of thugs? Half these guys are bald with hair coming out of their ears and nose, fat stomachs, and dumb as a brick - and yet they judge how a woman should dress around them so that they can give her some respect and the time of day? I don't think so.

If I had Inez's body, I'd probably dress like that too. Okay, maybe not - I'm Jewish, but still - she has the right to dress the way she feels comfortable. It's time that men stop blaming their dicks for everything. Have some restraint. On the other hand, if she was wearing a suit, this whole thing might not be an issue and she would get work as a sports journalist rather than the probable future reality show and Penthouse spread.

My Secret

2010-09-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm going to miss Dr. Laura. I loved listening to her on long car rides. She was so entertaining - the way she treated her callers like stupid idiots. I loved how she told mothers they must stay home with their children and referred to herself as her kid's mom when she would spend hours in a recording studio working. I love how impressed she was with herself, and of course, that she acted like a psychologist when her PhD is in physiology. She was so judgmental of others even though she had an affair with a married man, shacked up before marriage, posed for nude photos, and was estranged from her mother and sister. Did I mention that her mother's remains were found in her Beverly Hills condo 2 months after she died?

I remember when I discovered Dr. Laura. I was living in LA and spending lots of time in my car. Talk radio was big, and Dr. Laura was the biggest. The time I spent sitting in traffic flew by as I listened to her rudeness. It was astonishing how many people would call in just to be told that they are bad parents, wives, husbands, sons, daughters. I loved it. It made me feel great about myself. I subscribed to her newsletter. I just couldn't get enough of someone with so much hubris. Then she did it. She said that homosexuality was a biological error. She said that gays shouldn't be able to adopt children. I called the newsletter to cancel. They didn't seem to care. I said, "Don't you want to know WHY I'm canceling?" "Nope." Well I hope her son Deryk is GAY!

Her stance on homosexuality didn't deter her a bit. She went on. I boycotted her for a while. Then she retracted her statements, and I have to admit, I snuck in a few broadcasts. Her stance on gay marriage is appalling, and yet she would talk about her gay friends. Whatever. Nobody knew I was listening. It's funny how we (the gays) tried to silence Dr. Laura, and it couldn't be done - not until she became a racist. Did you hear it? She said the N word 11 times. It was like a kid in a candy store. What the fuck does she know about being an African American woman? At some point, you might want to admit you're out of your league Dr. Laura.

So, come December, it's going to be all over. No more Dr. Laura. I'm sure she'll succeed in some other venue and she'll have plenty of people volunteering for some abuse. I'll miss her hypocrisy. I'll miss her maniacal laugh and her bragging about how many sit-ups she can do. But mostly I'll miss the callers and their problems. That always made me feel like a better mother, daughter and partner.

Oh, and does anyone know if Deryk has a girlfriend?

Now go take on the day.

Marry Me Bill

2009-03-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

I love you so, I always will. I look at you and see the passion eyes of May, but am I ever going to see my wedding day?

The other night I was watching an interview with Bill Clinton on CNN and thought to myself - "I am fucking mad at you! What were you thinking?" Now I must admit that I loved Bill. I loved him so much for being the first president to mention gays and lesbians in his speeches. He hosted a gay ball (I wasn't invited). He paid attention to us and now we're paying for all of that attention.

DOMA was passed to "protect" marriage between one man and one woman. And we all know how the institution of marriage needs protection from us gays. I mean, with shows like The Bachelor and The Wives of Orange County, I can see how us gays are just destroying that paragon of the ultimate commitment - the marriage between one man and one woman. Who would want to mess with that perfect scenario?

Does anyone else find it ironic that Kenneth Starr is the lawyer representing the Prop 8 proponents and one of his most convincing arguments is DOMA? Where the hell would that guy be without Bill?

Then, of course, there's the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. It really pisses me off that the Clinton administration takes credit for coming up with that one when we all know the real person who came up with it - Ruth Gold. That's right - my mother, Ruth Gold. She's been using that policy for decades with her relatives and friends. Don't ask about Judith's personal life and I won't tell you about Judith's personal life.

So here is what I propose, Bill. I want to get married to my girlfriend - after DOMA is obliterated, that is. I mean it's only fair that I would want the federal government - to which I pay a portion of my earnings - to protect my relationship and my family like it does those between one man and one woman. And here's the topper, Bill. I want you to marry us. Yup - you Bill. Will you preside? And though devotion rules my heart, I take no vows. Oh, come on Bill! Come on Bill!! Come on and marry me Bill. Please marry me Bill - I got the wedding bell blues!!!!

Where is the fury?

2009-03-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

I spent last week hosting 2 marriage equality events - one was at the Gershwin Theatre in NYC, and the other at The Palace in Somerset, NJ. I grew up in NJ and never thought that it would be in the forefront of gay rights. I remember wanting to get out and move to NYC where "real" people lived. Little did I know there were more people like me in the garden state than I'd ever imagined. I am thrilled that we are almost there in New Jersey and New York, but I am outraged that we have to fight this fight.

I used to not care about getting married, or having kids for that matter. Now that I am a parent - a gay parent - I am extremely involved in the fight for marriage equality. How can anyone say that my family is not entitled to the same rights as a "traditional family?" I have news for you. My family is bound in tradition. We have a kosher kitchen (I cheat outside the house, but don't tell my kids), we have Shabbat dinners on friday nights, Henry is becoming a Bar Mitzvah in September, Ben and Henry both attend Hebrew school - and that's just the religious stuff. We have basketball games, soccer games, baseball games, parent-teacher conferences - everything that the "traditional family" has, except one thing - equal rights.

I cannot believe people are not more outraged. We are living in the USA in 2009 and people who have been together for 40 years have no rights to their partner's social security benefits, inheritance exemptions and have to be questioned non-stop by hospital employees about whether or not a person is entitled to be at the bedside of his or her dying partner. Come on people!! Where is the anger?

Look at my family through the eyes of my child and then maybe you can understand why this is so damn infuriating. Why do I have to pay taxes and then be treated like this? Why can't I grow up and get married to the person I love - just like every other straight person. And yes, it should be called marriage - not civil union - not domestic partnership - MARRIAGE. Separate is not equal. Britney Spears can get married for 55 hours and I can't? Convicted felons can get married and I can't? Pedophiles can get married and I can't? HELLO?!!!!!! Do I have to wait until my kids grow up and change the laws because their generation gets it? I certainly hope not.

I can't believe I'm mad at Bill Clinton - but DOMA was the worst thing he ever did - yes - even worse then getting that stupid blow job in the oval office.

Who's Your Daddy?

2009-02-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

I just posted a blog (entry) and then hit submit and it lost the entire thing, so now I am really pissed off. I wrote about how my son Henry is going to sleep-away camp this summer. He is going for 3 weeks because I think he's a bit apprehensive. Most camps are 6-7 weeks. He hasn't liked sleep-away camp in the past, so I wasn't going to force him to go longer. Anyway, I downloaded the camp admission forms from the camp website and printed them out. I was shocked to see that the forms read "Mother's Name", "Mother's address, "Mother's phone number", "Mother's occupation", blah blah blah. Then below: Father's name, Father's address, Father's phone number, Father's occupation, blah blah blah.

People do not realize how awful this kind of stuff can be for children of gay parents, let alone the parents, themselves. I crossed out the words mother and father and put parent and parent. After 9/11, when so many families were broken and so many single parents were made, I really thought this kind of stuff would stop -but it is everywhere. Henry came home from school a few weeks ago and he didn't know what to do because his health teacher told the students to ask their same sex parent a question.

These are teachers!!! So, I did what every "loud-mouthed I'm not going to take this anymore" gay parent would do. I wrote an e-mail to the camp director. Now, I didn't want to piss him off since this is the first year Henry is going to this camp. But as usual, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I asked him if he had ever considered changing their forms to say parent 1 and parent 2; oh, and I mentioned how excited we all were that Henry would be attending camp this summer. He wrote back and said they were on it. Forms were being changed. That felt great. Now I have to work on the NYC Public Schools to do the same. I don't ever want children of gay parents and single parents to feel that their family is less valid than any other family.